Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
You Might Also Like
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
opening twitter today
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
pep talk
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”