ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
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I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.