FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
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Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Who’s your best friend?
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔