I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
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This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Meow
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.