my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
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I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up