Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
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Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I have a black belt in leather
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
having children is a pyramid scheme.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
are there any atheist mantises?
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside