ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
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The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Pretty much. 🤣
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.