5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
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Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.