Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
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*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me