carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
You Might Also Like
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.