texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
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I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Okey dokey.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you