My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
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At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
New menu item
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I hate everything
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending