True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
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[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Got him!
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.