Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
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i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.