In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
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Otters drive ottermobiles.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Welcome to the stomach
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.