We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
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Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
I think this cat is broken
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.