The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
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Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
This chloroform smells expensiv…
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.