Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
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I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Me too
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
This will teach them to underestimate me
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good