My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
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Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice