Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
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A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?