when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
You Might Also Like
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.