Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
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I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Saw online –
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*