The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
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We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Straight people are cancelled
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*