mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
You Might Also Like
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I can’t stop watching this.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.