*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
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[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
cyclists
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.