im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
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Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I will never stop laughing at this
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.