If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
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Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
#Caturday
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow