me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
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[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.