[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
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Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship