*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
You Might Also Like
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
my proudest tweet
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.