be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
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I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.