I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
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Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
🙂🙃🥹
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk