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SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Chicken bread
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
somebody come look at this
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.