Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
You Might Also Like
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.