HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
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Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this