Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
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sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678