my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
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Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.