[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
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When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.