Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
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[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.