Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
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It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
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