Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
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CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too