I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
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Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
*frowns in Scottish*
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks