I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
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Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
The best shot in the history of golf
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.