nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
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checking out some reviews of my local library
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double