Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
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“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!