Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
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If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
My god she’s good.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Always 🥴
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.