I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
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Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
me
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.