[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
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Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
The news is so predictable nowadays
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
See..?
.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Bed should get ready for ME
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]