I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
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If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him