My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
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Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.